


Let's talk about it

by PrettyCalypso



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Canon Compliant, I promise it will end well for Gallavich, Ian Gallagher goes to therapy, M/M, additional chapters set after season 9, set in season 8, so Gallavich endgame obviously, so mentions of basically every shitty thing that happened in the show, so spoilers for season 8
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-02-07 20:14:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 9,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12848682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrettyCalypso/pseuds/PrettyCalypso
Summary: “Let's talk about it”, or Ian Gallagher goes to therapy.





	1. Geneva

**Author's Note:**

> When I first saw this deleted scene from 8x04 Cam posted, I was angry. Then, a friend made me realize Ian Gallagher couldn't recognize love and care if it hit him in the head with a shovel. It made me sad. So, to deal with all of that, I wrote a fic.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** I am not a psychologist, and I have no degree in psychology and psychotherapy, but I have a little experience of psychotherapy from the patient's side, so I wrote this fic to the best of my abilities and knowledge, hoping it would do everyone justice.

 

_"How are you doing today?"_

 

"Good."

 

_"Anything in particular you want to talk about?"_

 

"I'm not sure."

 

_"Last week we talked about your mother. Do you want to continue this conversation today?"_

 

"Not really. I kinda made my peace with it. I mean not like I'm totally okay with her being gone, but I haven't thought about her too much this week."

 

_"What have you thought about?"_

 

"I helped this kid from the youth center..."

 

_"The one your ex works at, right?"_

 

"Yes. And I started helping because I wanted to win him back but now... Don't get me wrong, I still want him back, but I'm starting to actually care about this, about these kids and about helping them."

 

_"That's good. So what happened with this kid?"_

 

"I 'overstepped some boundaries' according to Trevor."

 

_"You slept with them?"_

 

"Oh god no! It was a girl! No, I let her sleep at my house. Trevor went apeshit on me for doing that, but Geneva and I had a good talk, and I think I got through to her a little bit. We talked about the junior firefighter program."

 

_"Why did you let her sleep at your house?"_

 

"I don't know. She was hurt and lost and... I guess I saw myself in her. She's doing some stuff that I did too, and I didn't have anybody to tell me I was amazing, or that I could do something of my life."

 

_"What about your siblings?"_

 

"What about them?"

 

_"They never told you that?"_

 

"No. I worked in a strip club for a while, and I didn't do only stripping. Acted in a porno too. Fiona was in the middle of her own shit, with her probation, and all the men she was juggling at the time. Lip was away in college most of the time, drinking away his future and sleeping with his professor. And Debbie, Carl and Liam were too young anyway. So I did my own thing, they never got involved."

 

_"You didn't have any friends, a boyfriend?"_

 

(silence)

 

"I... I did. I had a boyfriend."

 

_"And he never told you that you were amazing and could do better?"_

 

(silence)

 

"We didn't really talk about... heavy stuff..."

 

_"What did you talk about?"_

 

"I... I don't know... These few months are very... fuzzy."

 

_"Why?"_

 

"Did some drugs. Wasn't medicated. And then I was. I spent some time in a psych ward, and the weeks following... even more foggy."

 

_"I don't know you very well yet Ian, this is only our second week after all, but is it possible that you purposefully avoided to 'talk about heavy stuff'?"_

 

(shrug)

 

(silence)

 

_"This boyfriend of yours at the time, what happened with him?"_

 

"Why are we talking about this? Aren't we supposed to focus on the 'now' and shit? On what happened this week with Geneva?"

 

_"We can talk about Geneva more if you want. I just feel like this is something we need to come back to eventually."_

 

(silence)

 

_"Do you want to talk about Trevor? What happened with him? Why are you broken up?"_

 

(snort and little laugh)

 

_"What's so funny?"_

 

"Nothing. It's just... I can't escape it, can I?"

 

_"Escape what?"_

 

"Trevor dumped me because I cheated on him with my ex."

 

_"The boyfriend we talked about just before?"_

 

"Yep."

 

_"What's his name?"_

 

"Isn't the seance supposed to be over by now?"

 

_"We still have a few more minutes. Why don't you want to tell me his name?"_

 

"I can tell you his name, it doesn't really matter anymore anyway. I just don't feel like talking about him."

 

_"Why doesn't it matter anymore?"_

 

"You're fucking relentless, aren't you?"

 

_"It's my job to dig."_

 

(sigh and eye roll)

 

"It doesn't matter because he's out of the picture. For good."

 

_"And how do you feel about that?"_

 

"About him being gone?"

 

_"Yes."_

 

"Fucking fantastic."

 

_"You still love him."_

 

"It doesn't matter."

 

_"It does."_

 

(silence)

 

_"Are you going to come back next week?"_

 

"Probably."

 

_"Good. See you next week then."_

 


	2. Mickey (1)

 

_"You're fifteen minutes late."_

  


"I know."

  


_"Why?"_

  


"Work."

  


_"Really?"_

  


(short silence)

  


"No."

  


_"Why don't you want to talk about it?"_

  


"Cause it hurts too fucking much."

  


_"More than loosing your mother?"_

  


(silence)

  


_"You are allowed to say yes."_

  


"It's different. It doesn't hurt the same way."

  


_"But the same intensity?"_

  


(shrug)

  


_"Okay. Do you think you can explain the difference?"_

  


"Monica is... It feels like a 'normal pain' you know? All my family thinks it's stupid to grieve her, but it's normal to grieve a parent. It's accepted by society."

  


_"Yes, that's what we establish in the first session. Have you accepted that fact?"_

  


"Yeah. I think I'm good now. Still sad but it doesn't hurt as much."

  


_"So let's talk about the other thing, the other painful subject. What does this feel like?"_

  


(deep breath)

  


"Like... My heart has been ripped out of my chest. But if I don't think about it, I can almost forget."

  


_"Why do you want to forget?"_

  


"Because I blew my chances and I can't do anything about it anymore."

  


_"Okay. Okay. You keep repeating that, and it's a start, but I think I need more. Can we start at the beginning?"_

  


"At the beginning of what?"

  


_"Of your relationship with this person."_

  


"Mickey."

  


_"That's his name?"_

  


"Yes."

  


_"Good." (smile) "We're finally getting at something. So, how did you meet?"_

  


(chuckle)

  


"We didn't really 'meet'."

  


_"What do you mean?"_

  


"We grew up in the same neighborhood, a few houses away from each other, I've known him all my life."

  


_"Okay. Then how did your relationship start?"_

  


(deep breath)

  


"I... uh... He stole a gun, from my boss. And I went to get it back."

  


_"And what happened?"_

  


"We had sex."

  


_"How old were you?"_

  


"15."

  


_"Was it your first time?"_

  


"No."

  


_"And then what happened?"_

  


"We fooled around for a while, until my boss shot him."

  


_"Did he steal from your boss again?"_

  


"No." (little laugh) "Well kind of. I was sleeping with my boss before Mickey, and I stopped as soon as I started with him. Then Kash - my boss - caught us and he shot Mickey."

  


_"How old was your boss?"_

  


"Does it really matter right now?"

  


_"I guess not. Keep going."_

  


"So Mickey went to juvie. T'was easier to pretend Kash shot him over a robbery than what really happened."

  


_"Easier for whom?"_

  


"Everybody I guess."

  


_"Even for you?"_

  


"I wasn't out at the time."

  


_"But would you have minded if the truth had been told?"_

  


"No."

  


_"Alright. So Mickey went to_ _Juvenal_ _D_ _etention. How long?"_

  


"A few months. I waited for him, and we got back where we left off when he got out. I even found him a job in the store I was working at."

  


_"The same place than before?"_

  


"Yes, but Kash had left, so we needed extra help and..."

  


_"You liked the idea of having Mickey around?"_

  


"Yeah."

  


(smile)

  


_"When did you realize you were in love with him?"_

  


"About that time I guess."

  


_"Not before?"_

  


"I had a crush, but... I don't know... Things were different when he got out, he was more willing to hang out, and not only when _he_ decided, he started allowing me to call the shots too."

  


_"So your relationship_ _developed_ _?"_

  


"Yes."

  


_"When did you become an official couple?"_

  


(snort)

  


"Fuck. Slow your horses, we have a good two more years of ups and downs before that."

  


_"Two years?"_

  


"Yep."

  


_"Go on then._ "

  


"Well everything was going great until Frank caught us."

  


_"Frank? Your father?"_

  


"Yes."

  


_"And when you say 'caught us' you mean?"_

  


"He saw us banging. Mickey freaked out, but I knew Frank would have forgotten it by midday, I tried to tell him that but he wouldn't listen, he was afraid to be outed to his father. So he did his best to end up in juvie. Again."

  


_"And did you wait for him again?"_

  


"No. He kinda broke up with me before getting arrested, so I didn't visited and I found somebody else."

  


_"A new boyfriend?"_

  


"More like a fuck buddy. Old, married, and in the closet."

  


_"And when Mickey got out?"_

  


"I was happy, but I didn't go after him."

  


_"You let him go after you?"_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"And he did?"_

  


"He did. And he sent me a lot of confusing signals. Said he missed me, but denied it right away, gave a beating to all the other guys I was seeing, but refused to make it official. I was 17, I was out, I was fucking in love with him by then but it was..."

  


_"Complicated?"_

  


"Yeah. Til he finally kissed me. I guess that was his way of tell me he wanted to be exclusive."

  


_"Was it your first kiss?"_

  


"With him, yes."

  


_"How did it feel?"_

  


"Pretty fucking good.” (pause) “But then... Things went to shit."

  


_(_ _sideways_ _glances at the clock)_

  


_"I think we should dive into the harder things next week. I'm afraid we won't have time today and I don't want to start something we can't finish."_

  


(nod)

  


_"How did it feel to open up about all of this?"_

  


(shrug)

  


"Okay. Nothing I haven't told Lip already."

  


_"I don't want it to be uncomfortable for you, but I also think they are a lot of things to uncover here."_

  


"I'm good."

  


_"Alright. See you next week then."_

 


	3. Mickey (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post a new chapter this morning that would have included (at least) mentions of 8x05, but then I actually watched 8x05 and... I was SO mad. I don't know how to handle what happened yet, and how to use it in this fic, so, for now, let's pretend it takes place prior-8x05.
> 
> Also, I'm developing a slight headcanon of mine in this chapter, hope you don't mind ;)

 

_"Good morning."_

  


"Hi."

  


_"…"_

  


"…"

  


_"Ready to start?"_

  


"No."

  


_"You don't have to if you really don't feel like talking about it."_

  


(short silence)

  


"I think I want to talk about it. It's just that... It's not easy. I don't know..."

  


_"You don't know where to start?"_

  


"And how. How to talk about it."

  


_"Let's start by something easy then. What do you want to talk about?"_

  


(shrug)

  


_"Do you want to keep talking about Mickey? About something easy?"_

  


"I... yeah, sure."

  


_"Do you have a happy memory?"_

  


"I have a few."

  


_"That's good."_ _(smile)_ _"I'm glad not everything is painful. Do you want to tell me about some happy times?"_

  


"I... uh... We had a couple of good summers. Before, when we weren't out. We had two good summers in between Mickey's juvie times. We worked together, told jokes, laughed, and sneaked around as much as possible to fu - have sex."

  


_(small laugh) "You can't say 'fuck' I don't mind."_

  


(nod and smile)

  


"Well we fucked. A lot."

  


_"And how did you feel during these two summers? You said_ _'_ _they_ _'_ _were happy,_ _but w_ _ere you happy?"_

  


"I was. I mean... I was also... frustrated I guess?"

  


_"Why?"_

  


"Cause we were hiding. All the time. And every time we were close to making just a little bit of progress, Mickey took ten steps back."

  


_"But you stayed by him?"_

  


"Yeah. I couldn't help myself." (smirk) "I pushed him, but, you know, I... I wanted him no matter what."

  


_"You're talking in the past. What changed?"_

  


"Life." (snicker) "I grew up."

  


_(nod)_ _"We've established that you were in love. Was he sharing this feeling?"_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"Did you ever talk about it?"_

  


"About love?"

  


_"Yes, about love."_

  


"You mean have I ever told him I love him?"

  


_"Yes. And has he said it back?"_

  


(deep breath)

  


"A couple of times."

  


_"You or him?"_

  


"Both."

  


_"Okay. Can we talk about the first time? When did you both say it? And was it reciprocated?"_

  


"I... uh... I might have shout it drunkenly at his wedding, but I'm pretty sure Lip is making that up."

  


_"His wedding?"_

  


"Yeah. Maybe we should talk about that first, right?"

  


_"Not necess_ _a_ _r_ _il_ _y. Unless you want to."_

  


(shake of the head)

  


_"Okay then. When did you actually say it to him?"_

  


"T'was a few months later. I think it was summer. Or spring. It was very hot out. We were... hum..."

  


_"Intimate?"_

  


"Yeah. And uh... he said it first, so I said it back."

  


_"Because you felt like you had to say it back?"_

  


"No. I really meant it. It just... I thought he already knew."

  


_"And he didn't?"_

  


"No. He was... I think he was scared I wouldn't say it back."

  


_"Why do you think he felt that way?"_

  


"I... Cause it was... Things were not easy at the time."

  


_"What was not easy?"_

  


(deep breath)

  


"So much shit happened. I was... I was manic. Didn't want to admit it. After spending some time in my bed. Couldn't get up. And I was... horny. All the time. I cheated on him. Several times. I didn't want to, but... I couldn't help myself. I just did..."

  


_"Did he knew?"_

  


"I don't think so. Maybe... I don't know. We never talked about it."

  


_"Why?"_

  


"Cause..."

  


(shake of the head)

  


_"How do you feel about doing that? Cheating on your boyfriend?"_

  


"Not so good."

  


_"Why?"_

  


"Because... Fuck, because it's wrong! I love him and I hurt him!"

  


_"You said 'love'."_

  


"Yeah. And?"

  


_"Love. Not loved. You still love him."_

  


(silence)

  


_"Okay. May I come back on your relationship with Trevor?"_

  


"Sure."

  


_"You told me in our first session together that you two are broken off and that you are trying to get back with him."_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"And in our second session, you told me that he broke up with you because you cheated on him."_

  


"Yes."

  


_"Do you feel the same way about cheating on Trevor and cheating on Mickey?"_

  


(silence)

  


"I... No. I don't..." (short pause) "I don't feel bad about cheating on Trevor. I feel bad about hurting him because he's a good guy and didn't deserve that."

  


_"But...?"_

  


"It was Mickey, not a series of random meaningless guys."

  


_"Mickey means something."_

  


"He does."

  


_"So it would be, and feel, worse if you cheated on Trevor with a meaningless guy."_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"And what if you cheated on Mickey with Trevor?"_

  


(chuckle) "That's... not possible."

  


_"What do you mean?"_

  


"I... I don't know how to explain..."

  


_"Okay, let's try this: in one year exactly, you are back_ _to_ _gether with Mickey, and you run into Trevor in the street. You haven't seen him in a while, but the connection is still here and he invites you for a drink. Do you say yes?"_

  


"No."

  


_"Why?"_

  


"Because when I cheated on Mickey I wasn't well. My brain was out of control and I just... I pretended I was okay. And I wasn't... What I did was conscious, but I wasn't really... myself. If, in one year from now I'm with Mickey, I will be stable and on my meds, or I would get help if I felt like maybe I was manic again, so this wouldn't happen again. And Trevor is nice but... fuck." (pause)

  


_"What's going on?"_

  


"I think I'm an asshole."

  


_"Why do you think that?"_

  


"I was going to say..." (sigh) "I was going to say 'Trevor will always come second'."

  


_"That wouldn't help your case to let him know that."_

  


"You think I shouldn't tell him?"

  


_"I'm not sure_ _that_ _what I think is really important."_

  


"I just asked you, didn't I?"

  


_(pause and sigh)_ _"You're not going to like it and I shouldn't even be saying it."_

  


"Just say it."

  


_"I think it's not good for you right now to pursue Trevor this way. You can stay friends, but I believe you need to sort out your feelings before you involve another person in your life."_

  


"Shit."

 


	4. Turtleneck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post 8x05. I'm still not completely okay with what happened in this episode, but writing this chapter helped. It's my own way to deal with the shit that happens in the show.

 

_"You seem mad."_

  


"I am. I am so fucking mad!!!"

  


_"What's going on?"_

  


"Fucking Fiona stole our church!"

  


_"You're going to have to explain more than that."_

  


"We found an old abandoned church that would have made a perfect shelter for our kids, but Fiona made sure it was bought by some artists because she didn't want to 'put the neighborhood at risk' or some shit."

  


_(smile)_ _"I'm happy to see you are so passionate about these kids. And I'm assuming when you say 'we' you're talking about you and Trevor."_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"Alright. So you feel angry right now."_

  


"Isn't it what I fucking said?"

  


_"And what are you gonna do about it? How do you want to resolve the conflict? What are you going to do with that anger?"_

  


"I... I don't fucking know!!! We were almost there, I managed to get the money to buy it and..."

  


_"The money didn't come from Trevor's_ _funding_ _?"_

  


"What?"

  


_"You said you managed to get the money. I'm surprised you were in charge of that."_

  


"I... No, Trevor was, he wanted to rent it, and I was just helping. But then Fiona happened so I made sure we could buy it."

  


_"How? How did you find the money? How did you 'make sure you could buy it'?"_

  


"It doesn't matter."

  


_"It does if you're avoiding the question. How did you find the money Ian?"_

  


(silence)

  


_"Look, I don't want to cause you any trouble, and you have to know that I cannot repeat what you told me in this room, even if it wasn't legal, but I want you to be safe Ian. And from what you told me about your parents and your siblings, you're not shy when it comes to talking about illegal behavior, that's why I'm worried. What are you hiding?"_

  


"I'm not hiding anything."

  


_"Alright." (pause) "I'm going to pretend I believe you."_

  


"…"

  


_"…"_

  


"…"

  


_"Do you want to talk about Fiona more?"_

  


"No."

  


_"What do you want to talk about?"_

  


(short silence) "I'm back with Trevor."

  


_"So you didn't take my advice."_

  


"You said you weren't suppose to tell me that kind of shit."

  


_"I guess so."_

  


"…"

  


_"Why are you back with him?"_

  


"Because he's a great guy."

  


_"Does he know?"_

  


"Know what?"

  


_"How you got the money for the church?"_

  


"You're still on that?"

  


_"I feel like this is something we need to talk about_ _here_ _."_

  


"Alright, if you fucking insist! I fucked an old client! And his wife!!!"

  


(silence)

  


_"What do you mean by 'client'?"_

  


"Well I wasn't a fucking sales representative if that what you're asking."

  


_"When was that?"_

  


"A couple of years ago."

  


_"Can you tell me more?"_

  


"…"

  


_"I'm sorry I pushed you before. I should have let you tell me in your own time._ _I was not very professional of me._ _"_

  


"It's okay. Maybe you were right."

  


_"About what?"_

  


"I was hiding it because I know it's wrong. I don't feel good about it, but I didn't exactly have a choice."

  


_"You did. You always have a choice."_

  


"…"

  


_"Remember when you talked to me about Geneva?"_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"What would that Ian say?"_

  


(silence)

  


"Fuck." (tearing up) "Shit." (crying more and more)

  


_(handing tissues in silence)_

  


"Thanks." (smile)

  


(several minutes of silent crying)

  


_"How do you feel?"_

  


"Like shit."

  


_"Do you want to talk about it?"_

  


(sniffing)

  


_"Only if you feel like it."_

  


(silence) "I... I worked in this club for a while, the Fairy Tail, a gay strip club. And I did more than dancing."

  


_"Yes. You told me that. What did you do exactly?"_

  


(snort) "You want the details?"

  


_"I want you to put words on_ _your actions_ _."_

  


"Hand jobs, blow jobs, sometimes more. In the back rooms of the club if they had the money, in the bathroom if they didn't. Some of them brought me home."

  


_"Did they pay even when they brought you home?"_

  


"Yeah. But not always in money."

  


_"Drugs?"_

  


(nod)

  


_"And this 'old client' who gave you the money for the church?"_

  


"He was a bathroom regular, nicknamed him 'Turtleneck' because he hid his face in his turtleneck when he came."

  


_"How did you find him again?"_

  


"Through Trevor. He's a benefactor."

  


_"So you went to him for money?"_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"And he asked you to perform a sexual act on him? And his wife?"_

  


"Yeah."

  


_(silence)_

  


"You're judging me?"

  


_"I'm not." (pause) "Every patient of mine needs different words and images to help them overcome a behavior that could be seen as destructive. I haven't found yours yet."_

  


"You think my behavior is destructive?"

  


_"I believe I_ _said_ _that it could be seen as destructive. Do you think it is?"_

  


"No." (silence) "Maybe."

  


(pause)

  


_"Are you happy Ian ?"_

  


(pause)

  


"I don't know."

  


_"_ _Your assignment_ _for next week: find something that makes you really, truly happy and do it. Archery, drawing, picking out flowers, counting clouds, anything, just d_ _ive into_ _it."_

 


	5. Caleb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talking about some cringy stuff again.
> 
> Also, **little disclaimer** : everything that Ian says in this piece is based on what he has done and said in the show, in no way does it reflect my opinion.  
> (if you want my opinion, you should look on the therapist's side)

 

"Caleb cheated on me!"

  


_"Hello to you too. Who's Caleb?"_

  


"A guy I was seeing, after Mickey and before Trevor."

  


_"Okay. And so he cheated on you?"_

  


"Yeah. And he was such a fucking asshole about it..."

  


_"How did it make you feel when he did that?"_

  


"I was fucking pissed."

  


_"And you seem still angry about it."_

  


"I wasn't. I moved on almost as soon as I left his apartment, but lately I've been thinking about everything, everything we talked about, everything... everything I've done and, fuck. I thought I was better than him, he was such a manipulative asshole. He made me doubt my sexuality, nobody ever did that before! And now I'm thinking that maybe I'm not better than him, maybe I'm the exact same fucking person!"

  


_"Okay, okay. Let's take a moment here. Breathe and rewind. Walk me through it. What happened?"_

  


(deep breath)

  


"He slept with some woman, a childhood friend or some shit. And when I confronted him he said it didn't count as cheating because it was with a woman."

  


_"I'm not sure that's how it works..."_

  


"Yeah, I know. Cheating is cheating! And then he tried to convince me that nobody is 100% gay, that I couldn't judge if I never slept with a woman, some twisted shit like this..."

  


_"So did you? Try with a woman?"_

  


"Yeah. It was awful."

  


_"Why did you try?"_

  


"I don't know, he got into my head... He was so... adult, and put together. He had a real job, he was an artist, and he helped me become an EMT..."

  


_"You thought maybe he knew something you didn't?"_

  


"Yeah..."

  


_"Did you feel equal to him? As a partner and as a person?"_

  


"No. He kinda... knew better. Everything. He taught me stuff that... well some stuff that I'm thankful for. But we always did what _he_ wanted to do, I lived his life for a while. If that makes sense..."

  


_"It does. I have to tell you though that not feeling equal to a partner usually means you're not in a healthy relationship."_

  


(nod)

  


_"Have you had a relationship in which you felt equal to your partner?"_

  


"With Trevor I do. And with Mickey too, I used to..."

  


_"Used to?"_

  


"I... When I was... At the beginning, when I was still struggling with my diagnosis, I felt... like a dead weight."

  


_"Why?"_

  


"I... Forty years, I'm supposed to take pills for forty years to be able to get out of bed every morning like a normal human, to not feel... how I feel sometimes. To not steal babies and almost kill my patients... And when I started the meds, I didn't even feel like myself anymore. I was in a constant fog, I didn't feel anything, no pain, no sadness, no joy, no happiness, no... desire. I was... numb. Who would want to be with someone like that?"

  


_"Do you still feel all these things now?"_

  


"I still hate my meds. I mean I take them, but if I didn't have to..."

  


_"Life would be just slightly easier?"_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"And what about the rest? Do you feel pain, sadness, joy, happiness, desire?"_

  


"Yeah. Not the same way I did before, you know, before the diagnosis, but yeah..."

  


_"A change in the way you feels things, in their intensity, might have to do with your medication, but it also might have to do with the fact that you are an adult now. When you were having these feelings so_ _intensely_ _you were a teenager, raging with hormones, meds or no meds, it changes for everybody."_

  


"I... I never thought of it that way..."

  


_(smile) "Now, you said early that you felt similar to Caleb in some ways?"_

  


"I said I'm as much of an asshole as he is."

  


_"Why do you believe that?"_

  


"I cheated on them both, didn't I? Trevor and Mickey."

  


_"You did. Did you_ _also_ _try to make them believe it wasn't cheating and that your behavior was normal?"_

  


"No."

  


_"Were you honest with them?"_

  


"Not completely."

  


_"How were you dishonest?"_

  


"I never talked about it with Mickey. I never really lied to him, but lying by omission is still lying, right? And I did tell Trevor right away but... I might have... 'forgotten' to mention some stuff..."

  


_"What stuff?"_

  


(pause) "I... I told Mickey I loved him just before... before I left him, before I went back to Trevor..."

  


_"Have you ever said those words to Trevor?"_

  


"No."

  


_"Why?"_

  


(pause) "Because I don't... I don't feel that way... I mean I like him, a lot. But... It's not the same."

  


(short silence)

  


_"And you told me you are dating him again, right?"_

  


"Yes."

  


_"Do you feel you will ever get there with him, to love?"_

  


"I hope so. He's the best person I know. He's great."

  


_"So you want to love him?"_

  


"I guess."

  


_"Can we come back on that next week?"_

  


"Sure."

 


	6. Ian (1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was hard to write following 8x07 because I really don't know what's going with Ian. Hence this short and frustrating chapter.

 

_"Good morning."_

  


"Hi."

  


_"How are doing today?"_

  


(silence)

  


_"Okay. Are you still feeling angry? Angry at your sister, at your ex?"_

  


"No."

  


_"Everything okay?"_

  


"…"

  


_"…"_

  


"Are you going to ask me if I'm taking my meds?"

  


_"Do I need to?"_

  


"I'm taking them."

  


_"So what's going on?"_

  


(more silence)

  


_"Alright. How are things with Trevor?"_

  


"He's a fucking dick."

  


_"Did you two break up again?"_

  


(shrug)

  


_"Is that why you're upset?"_

  


"No. I don't care about his treacherous ass."

  


_"Is it something else, then?"_

  


"…"

  


_"Is this about Mickey?"_

  


(sigh) "Not everything is about my love life, you know? There are more important things in the world!"

  


_"I'm just trying to understand, Ian."_

  


(sigh) "You know what? Just... fuck off."

  


(Ian gets up and leaves)

 


	7. Ian (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning:** (very light) spoilers for 8x08.

 

_"You missed the last session."_

  


"I know."

  


_"You didn't answer my assistant's calls."_

  


(nod)

  


_"I didn't think you would come back."_

  


"Me neither. I don't even know why I'm here."

  


_"Because you need to talk maybe?"_

  


(shrug)

  


_"What do you want to talk about?"_

  


"I don't know."

  


_"Okay. So how do you feel? How are you these days?"_

  


"Angry. I'm always angry. At everything. Even stuff that don't matter. I just... I can't stop."

  


_"What kind of 'stuff' are you angry at?"_

  


"Fiona. And everything about her. The church. Conversion therapies. Homophobic parents."

  


_"A lot of outside forces. A lot of authority figures."_

  


"You think I have a problem with authority?"

  


_"I think that might be one thing yes, but I'm not sure it's the most important or pressing matter at the moment."_

  


"So what's the most pressing matter?"

  


_"Understand where this anger comes from. When did you start getting angry?"_

  


"I don't know... I don't remember... I feel like I've always been angry."

  


_"Can you recall a memory when you weren't angry?"_

  


(pause)

  


"I guess... I guess I have a nice memory... And I don't think I was angry... I just... happy, living in the moment."

  


_"That's good. How long ago was it?"_

  


"Four, five years? Something like that..."

  


_"Do you want to share the memory with me?"_

  


(nod and little smile)

  


"I uh... We were taken by DCFS, you know, and it sucked, but it was the last time (although we didn't know that at the time). And Lip and I were in this horrible group home, and at the time I thought it was like jail. I complained a lot, so Mickey kinda suggested I spent the night at his place. And the next morning was... everything went to fucking shit, but before that, that night was... It was great. We just talked, laughed, watched movies, fucked... And I was... happy. Genuinely happy I think."

  


_"That's a great memory."_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"And after that, you became angry?"_

  


"Pretty much yeah."

  


_"Do you know what started it?"_

  


"It wasn't just one thing. It was one thing, then when it got sort of better, some other shit came along, it's like I can never catch a breath, the whole fucking world is out to get me!"

  


_"Do you really think that?"_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"So what would your life be_ _like_ _if you could chose it, if you could be whoever you wanted to be, if you had no limits and no 'fucking world' in your way?"_

  


"Well I wouldn't be bipolar for starters."

  


_(nod)_ _"Understandable. What else?"_

  


"I... I would be in the army I guess... Or maybe an EMT, I actually like my job a lot."

  


_"Did your disorder keep you from being in the army?"_

  


(shake of the head turned into a shrug)

  


"Sort of."

  


_"So if you weren't bipolar, you would be in the army?"_

  


"Probably."

  


_"But instead you're an EMT and you love it?"_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"So, even if 'the world is out to get you' you still managed to find yourself in a position you enjoy?"_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"Isn't that a good thing?"_

  


"I guess..."

  


" _What else then? What else would your life be?"_

  


"My love life wouldn't be a shit show."

  


_"Who would you be with? If you could chose anybody in the world and nothing stood in your way?"_

  


(long silence)

  


"I think it's pretty obvious, isn't it?"

  


_"Is it?"_

  


"... I don't think I should answer that question."

  


_"Why?"_

  


"Because it's too unrealistic and..." (shake of the head)

  


_"It hurts too much?"_

  


"I don't see the point of dreaming that. It won't ever happen. I'm a bipolar EMT with a complicated love life and anger issues. I should accept it and move on."

  


_"Can I summarize things roughly and say that you are mostly angry at things that you cannot control?"_

  


(shrug) "I guess so."

  


_"Most people do that, Ian. It's easier than to get angry at things you can actually change. The trick is to not let that anger take over your life."_

  


"And how do you do that?"

  


_"There are different methods, not everybody believes in the same thing. To me, anger_ _–_ _like every emotion_ _–_ _is good, it tells you that something is wrong. And I believe that our work in the next sessions will focus on finding what exactly is wrong, what need in your body screams to be taken care of."_

  


"What do you mean by 'need'?"

  


_"Need of affection, of recognition, of self-esteem, it can be anything, and even several at the same time, we just need to find them."_

  


"And how are you're planning to do that?"

  


_"We'll talk, explore, discover. We'll spend time on things that will hurt for sure, but I really believe we need to work on what's actually going on under the surface. Are you okay with that?"_

  


(short pause)

  


"Yeah, okay."

 


	8. Terry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to be about Trevor, it ended up being about Terry and 3x666, so **all the warnings apply**.

 

"I thought about what you asked me the other day, and if I could choose anybody in the world to be with, it would be Trevor."

  


_"Why?"_

  


"Because he's a great guy and he makes me want to be a better person, I'm better when I'm around him. I do things that I've never done or thought about before, I fight for what I believe in. All because of him."

  


_"What kind of things are you fighting against?"_

  


"Fucking conversion churches, and this asshole pastor. And homophobic parents who, at best, force their kids to stay in the closet and, at worse, try to turn them straight."

  


_"We've never talked about your own coming-out._ _D_ _id you have parents like that?"_

  


"No. My dad didn't give a shit, and my mom was fucking women so she was kind of supportive."

  


_"And your siblings?"_

  


"My brother Lip asked his sort-of girlfriend to suck my dick, just to make sure I was really gay, but other than that... They were all cool with it."

  


_"So you had a pretty easy coming-out, and you were_ _comfortable with_ _your sexuality at home?"_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"So all_ _of_ _these fights you talk about, the pastor, the parents, it's pretty new to you?"_

  


(short pause) "Not really."

  


_"How_ _come_ _?"_

  


"Mickey... His dad was... something..."

  


_"Something?"_

  


"A huge homophobic asshole. Violent motherfucker who... Fuck, he was horrible."

  


_"What did he do?"_

  


"He... I don't even know where to start..."

  


_"The worst thing he did?"_

  


(snicker) "Not an easy pick."

  


_"Was he violent with his children?"_

  


"Yes. All the time."

  


_"Has he ever been violent to you?"_

  


"Yes. A couple of times."

  


_"Tell me about it."_

  


"He was worse to his children."

  


_"I don't doubt that. But we need to start somewhere and it might be easier to start by you."_

  


(deep breath) "Okay. Well... Once he barged into our house and beat me senseless because he thought I had gotten Mandy pregnant."

  


_"Mandy...?"_

  


"His daughter. My best friend. Never slept with her for the record."

  


_"Obviously. Was it the most violent time?"_

  


"No. I started by the easiest one. My mom was there and she made him stop hitting me, so it ended pretty quickly. I can recall two other times... When Mickey came out, it was very public, I was there, and his dad started attacking him so I jumped in and after that it was a whole big mess of fighting, but we both got out okay."

  


_"_ _Both?_ _You and...?"_

  


"Mickey."

  


_"Of course. And his father?"_

  


"He went back to prison. Haven't seen him since."

  


_"I guess that's good, right?"_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"But there was another time, wasn't there? I can sense there was another, more difficult moment you haven't talked about yet."_

  


"Yeah... I don't... I don't really know where to start... I've only ever told this story to Lip and he wasn't even really listening, he was busy with his own shit..."

  


_"Take your time." (gentle smile) "Can I make an educated guess and say it happened around the time you stopped yours and Mickey's story last time? After that happy memory you mentioned?"_

  


"Yeah..."

  


_"What happened, Ian?"_

  


"We... er... We were at Mickey's house, we spent the night, he said his father was out of town, but uh... he came back early, and uh... he caught us... having sex..."

  


_"Oh."_

  


"Yeah."

  


_"What did he do?"_

  


"He... I think he punched me first. I'm not so sure, it was... a mess... I think he started beating me like... really bad... I remember thinking 'that's it, it's the end, we're gonna die here'... Nobody knew we were there, nobody knew... And then Mickey jumped on him, yelling to leave me alone and he started beating him. And I just... fuck I didn't know what to do... I thought I could maybe run out and look for help, or maybe grab one of their guns and shoot, I don't fucking know..."

  


_"What did you actually do?"_

  


"Nothing. I got up and he pointed his gun at me, so I sat back down."

  


_"And then what happened?"_

  


"He called... fuck... he called somebody and they sent Svetlana..."

  


_"Svetlana?"_

  


"That's another long story, but at the time she was a prostitute."

  


_"What did he ask her to do?"_

  


(pointed look) "Don't you wanna make another 'educated guess'?"

  


_"I'm afraid what I have in mind is quite horrible."_

  


"Then you're probably right. I think his exact word was 'fuck the gay out of him', or something similar."

  


_"You?"_

  


"Mickey. I was supposed to stay and watch."

  


_"Shit."_

  


"Like you said."

  


_"Sorry, that was very unprofessional. But I am very sorry that happened Ian, to you and to Mickey."_

  


"Thanks? I guess?"

  


(silence on both parties)

  


"I guess now you're gonna find a lot of issues that started that day?"

  


_"Things are not that easy, but that is a possibility. Although, for now, I think we should end the session here, it was draining enough for one day. I just want to make sure that... you know it's not your fault, right? What happened that day? You did all you could do."_

  


"I could have done more."

  


_"No. Look at me_ _Ian_ _. You did all you could do. And it's not your job to save every gay teen on this planet. Obviously, what you're doing is honorable, but you don't owe anything to anyone, and you certainly won't save everybody. You're not a hero Ian, you're not supposed to be. Nobody is."_

 


	9. Trevor (1)

 

_"_ _Hello Ian."_

 

"Hi."

 

_"How are you feeling today?"_

 

"Fine."

 

_"Still angry?"_

 

(slight nod)

 

_"And how are you using that anger these days?"_

 

"We've started a support group for teens with unsupportive families and who have been through conversion therapy, or who have been shamed by their church."

 

_"And how does it make you feel? To do that?"_

 

"Good. Great even. I feel like I'm in control, and in a position to really change things. There are some assholes online calling me names, but I can deal. And I have more and more supporters. We've created a real community."

 

_"So you feel like you can help people?"_

 

"Yes."

 

_"Does it make you happy?"_

 

"It makes me feel good about myself." (smirk) "And it's helping me getting laid."

 

_"Are you sleeping with these kids?"_

 

"No, of course not! I meant Trevor. He's really into the defender type." (smile)

 

_"So you two are together again?"_

 

"I don't know. We're not like a couple, but we hang out. It turns him on when I 'preach the good word' and help kids."

 

_"So he started to get interested in you again, after rejecting you so many times, when you started to defend all these teenagers?"_

 

"Yeah."

 

_(short pause) "Remember our talk about Caleb and healthy relationships?"_

 

"What? You think this is not healthy?"

 

_"I didn't say that. It's just that misinterpreting admiration for attraction, like Trevor seems to be doing, is not exactly good for you right now."_

 

(stubborn silence)

 

_"What I mean, Ian, is that we've already established you have what we could call a 'hero complex', and Trevor sleeping with you only for that will only encourage you in that direction. It is not your role, in a community, as well as in a relationship, to be the protector. A healthy relationship is based on equal roles. A couple cannot function properly if one party is only attracted to the other in one role."_

 

"So what? You think I should dump his ass?"

 

_"It depends on what you want from this relationship. Do you want a boyfriend? A casual 'friend with benefits'?"_

 

(small silence) "A boyfriend... I think..."

 

_"Okay, let's think about it that way: when do you most crave Trevor's presence? When do you think about him and think 'I wish he was here'?"_

 

"Usually when I'm horny."

 

_"Obviously. Are there any other moments?"_

 

(pause) "These days mostly when I want to talk about the kids we help, I go to him."

 

_"But is that has to be Trevor or could it be anybody else doing his job?"_

 

"... I guess it could be anybody."

 

 _"_ _And t_ _hat's it?"_

 

"I can't think of anything else right now."

 

 _"Well then, I can safely say that you seem to have a_ _strictly_ _'friends with benefits' relationship."_

 

"We used to be together. Like a real couple."

 

_"I know. And what changed since then?"_

 

"I fucked up, for once."

 

_"Do you think you purposefully sabotaged the relationship?"_

 

"Yes and no."

 

_"Can you develop?"_

 

"Yes, I completely destroyed our relationship, and maybe it was on purpose. But no, I didn't think of it as sabotage at the time. I mean there was a moment when I hesitated and thought maybe I should go back to Trevor. But then... I don't know, the answer seemed pretty obvious."

 

_"So what did you do?"_

 

"I drove halfway across the country with a fugitive."

 

_(smile) "I like this metaphor."_

 

"Oh, it's not a metaphor, I actually did that."

 

_"I... I think we have a few things to catch up on."_

 

(laugh) "Yeah, I guess we do."

 

_"What about we talk about it next time?"_

 

"Yeah, okay."

 

_"In the meantime, may I remind you something?"_

 

"What, like the lesson to take away from the session?"

 

_"Sort of." (smile) "In the same way that you are not a hero, nor are you supposed to be, I'd like to remind you that, even when you are in this 'defender' role, it does not fall onto you to be your boyfriend's 'knight in shining armor'."_

 

"What is this? The inspirational quote of the day?"

 

 _"No, it's a statement. You do not have to shoulder everybody's battles. Start by your own. And if a boyfriend really cares about your well-being, then he will help you through your_ _toughest_ _times and be your defender as much as you are his, a healthy relationship is a two-way street."_

 

"God, if I listen to you it looks like I'm doing it all wrong."

 

_"Maybe that's why you are here."_

 

(smile) "Maybe." (pause) "But it's also kind of annoying. I feel like a real fuck up when I listen to you."

 

_"I don't mean to make you feel that way."_

 

"I know." (silence) "You don't think I should be with Trevor, right?"

 

_"I don't think you're emotionally strong enough to be in this type of relationship at the moment."_

 

"So what? You think I should be with Mickey?"

 

 _"I don't think there is only one right answer, nor do I think_ _that_ _the world is black and white, or that you have only two choices."_

 

"What's my third option?"

 

_"Have you ever been single? And celibate? And before you were 15 years old doesn't count."_

 

"Before I met Caleb I was alone for a while, trying to focus on myself and shit. I didn't like it. It was very lonely."

 

 _"Were you_ 'accompanied' _?"_

 

"You mean did I see a shrink?"

 

_"Yes."_

 

"No, I didn't, I wasn't _'accompanied'_."

 

_"Well now you are."_

 


	10. Hot Gay Jesus  (1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This 'session' takes place in 8x10, before Ian talks to Fiona and gives his speech at the church.

 

"Thank you for accepting to see me today, I know we didn't have an appointment."

  
_"On the contrary, I'm glad you felt the need to come to me with 'an emergency', I feel like we're making real progress."_

  
(shared smile)

  
_"So, what's troubling you?"_

  
"I... I'm kind of in a situation..."

  
_"What situation?"_

  
"I'm... famous... I guess? And people look up to me for speeches and fight against evil churches. It's... a little overwhelming."

  
_"And you feel like you owe them something."_

  
"No, it's just... maybe I have a responsibility toward them?"

  
_"I see. It seems like..."_

  
"My hero complex, I know. It's just these kids, everybody else let them down, and they look up to me, they see me as some kind of... Gay Jesus I guess? I can't just..."

  
_"Abandon them?"_

  
"Yeah."

  
_"Ian, can I ask you why you are here today? Why not wait for your weekly appointment? Did something happen?"_

  
(deep breath) "I... There is an event tonight, and they expect me to talk to hundreds of LGBTQ teenagers and I just... I don't know what to tell them."

  
_"You don't feel legitimate."_

  
"Not really, no."

  
_"I won't tell you that they chose you for a reason, because sometimes the leaders we chose make no fucking sense, whether we elect them as president or name them as our new Messiah, but I can tell you to stay true to yourself. You're not a great public speaker, fine, just say whatever you need to say, whatever feels right on the moment. It's the best advice I can give. Does it help?"_

  
"A little yeah. Thanks."

  
_(nod)_

  
_"Have you talk to your siblings about all that?"_

  
"No."

  
_"Maybe you should. Let them know what's going on. It could help, we never know." (smile)_

 

"Maybe I will."

 

_"Great. See you for your weekly session then?"_

 

"Yeah. Thank you." (smile)


	11. Hot Gay Jesus (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This session takes place between 8x10 and 8x11.

 

_"Hello Ian."_

  


"Hi. Here, this is for you."

  


_"What is this? … 'Church of Gay Jesus'? … Is that a Jumbo's shirt?"_

  


"Yeah, my... sort-of-dad, Frank, made them and sold them outside of the church during my speech. They sold out pretty quickly."

  


_"So, what did you end up saying in your speech?"_

  


"I followed your advice and said what felt right to me. I don't know if it was good, but people seemed to like it."

  


_"You mean_ _they seem to_ _like you?"_

  


(chuckle) "I wouldn't go that far."

  


_"Why? You don't believe they could like you? I don't doubt they liked the speech, but they might also like you, don't you think?"_

  


"I don't know..."

  


_"Ian. People can actually like you for you. I know they see you as their savior, as their knight in shining armor, but maybe they see more in you. I know that last time I told you that the way we choose our leaders don't always make sense, but I think you still need to believe in yourself beyond your 'hero capacities'."_

  


(small smile) "If you say so."

  


(phone buzzing announcing an incoming text message)

  


"Oh. Hum... Sorry I gotta go."

  


_"Ian. Ian! We're not done here!"_

  


(Ian gets up and leaves in a hurry.)

 


	12. Downfall (voicemail messages)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during and after 8x12.

 

_"Hi Ian, it's your therapist. I know my assistant left you a few messages already but I really think you should call me back. You've missed the last couple of sessions, and I've seen the videos. You're trending on YouTube apparently. I really think we should talk. You know where to find me."_

  


_***_

  


_"Hi Ian, it's your therapist again. I heard you've been arrested. I really want to help you, whether you want me to testify on your behalf or just talk. Call me back."_

 


	13. Ian 2.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post 9.06

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while, but I am BACK !!!
> 
> So... From the beginning I wanted this fic to stay true to canon but also have a happy Gallavich ending. And for longest time I thought it wouldn't be possible to combine both.
> 
> But as you all know.... Now it is!!!!!
> 
> I know exactly how to finish this fic, I have a ton of ideas and I'm so happy and so excited!!!! Stay tuned ;)

 

“ _Good morning.”_

 

“Good morning.”

 

“ _It's been a while.”_

 

(nod) “Yeah.”

 

“ _How are you doing?”_

 

“Good. Very good actually.”

 

“ _I'm happy to hear that.”_

 

(smile)

 

“ _What made you come back here?”_

 

“I didn't really have a choice, all the people in my life thought I should, my family, my P.O., the judge... But I got to pick who I wanted to see so I thought I would come back here. It felt, I don't know...”

 

“ _Familiar?”_

 

“Yeah, I guess.”

 

“ _And how does the rest of your life feels?”_

 

“Weird. Like it's my life, my old life, I know everything about it, my house, my siblings... But also like I'm discovering everything for the first time. I've lost my habits, I have new ones that don't really apply here – there isn't really a point in bringing a shiv in the shower when you're in your own house. And my family... I've seen them, they visited and told me what was going on with them, but they also kept most of the shit away, made everything seem better. I don't know half of the things that are going on with them. It's very weird.” (pause) “You're smiling. Why are you smiling?”

 

“ _There is just something about you. You're talking more easily, I don't have to push you to open up, you seem... free, like something very heavy has lifted off your shoulders.”_

 

“Well, I am free aren't I? I literally just came out of prison.”

 

_(smile) “Obviously. But there is something else.”_

 

“I'm taking my meds. Maybe it's that.”

 

“ _Maybe.”_

 

“Are you saying there is no need for me to be here?”

 

“ _Oh no. You still need to be here.”_

 

“Great. Thanks.”

 

“ _Ian, have I ever told you about my other patients?”_

 

“Isn't that supposed to be confidential?”

 

“ _It is, and I won't tell you their names or what we do in our sessions, but I just want you to know that you're not... 'crazy'. Everybody comes to therapy, whether you need medication to go about your daily life or not doesn't change the fact that probably every single person on this planet needs therapy at one point in their life. I'm seeing a very lost and very rebellious teenage girl, a father who has trouble dealing with the death of his own father, or even a career woman who couldn't seem more put together than she is. Trying to figure out your life and your demons by yourself is an unnecessary excruciating journey. Seeking help doesn't make you weak, no matter what society tells you.”_

 

“Are you seeing a therapist?”

 

“ _I am.”_

 

“So you're saying my whole family should go to therapy?”

 

“ _I would answer a general 'yes' for anybody, but from what you told me about them, I really do believe they should.”_

 

(small laugh)

 

“ _Does it make you feel better?”_

 

“A little bit.”

 

“ _It wasn't exactly my goal to include your family in this, but if they ever need a recommendation, I have some great colleagues.”_

 

“I'll let them know.”

 

(pause)

 

“My sister used to say 'Gallaghers don't do therapy' but I think she was just afraid DCFS would find out about our life and take us all away if we talked to a shrink. She always needed to be the strong one, keeping the house from falling to pieces.”

 

“ _And what about you? Who did you need to be?”_

 

“The quiet one. The middle child who kept his head down, did his thing and helped out without causing trouble. And in the end I ended up fucking up just as much as the rest of them.”

 

“ _Do you regret it? What happened before you went to prison and the events that led you there?”_

 

(sigh) “I guess... I don't know... I've had two years to think about it and I'm still not sure. I definitely regret some stuff but maybe going to prison wasn't too bad, it helped me realize a lot of things.”

 

“ _Such as?”_

 

“Such as maybe I should stop going off my meds. Prison is awful. I thought I hit rock bottom when I spent 72 hours in the psych ward, but at least there I was sedated for most of it. I don't want to do anything ever again that would send me to either of those places. I think I've really learned my lesson.”

 

“ _Do you want to talk about your two years in prison? Is there something you feel like you need to share about this time?”_

 

“Not really. There wasn't anything really specific. Nothing horrible happened to me if that's what you're asking, and I stood my ground, I wouldn't say we ran this shithole but... yeah, maybe we did. It's just being there day and night, locked up, knowing you are not free. And watching your back all the time even when you feel the tiniest bit safe. It's not a life I'd recommend to anyone.”

 

“ _Were there moments when you felt safe in prison?”_

 

(pause) “I felt safe in my cell.”

 

“ _You got along with your cellmate?”_

 

“I guess we could say that yeah.” (smile)

 

“ _What is it?”_

 

“Nothing.”

 

“ _I feel like there is more you're not telling me, but we're running out of time, so we'll pick up there next week?”_

 

“Absolutely.”

 

_(smile) “I like hearing that!”_

 

(they both stand up, Ian is heading for the door)

 

“ _Oh and Ian?”_

 

“Yeah?”

 

“ _I'm glad you're happy.”_

 


	14. Cellmate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter but I'm cooking up something good, promise!

 

“Hi.”

  


“ _Hi Ian.” (pause) “You seem tired.”_

  


“I am. Haven’t been sleeping so well lately.”

  


“ _Did something happen?”_

  


“No. It’s just... I haven’t really been able to sleep since I got out.”

  


“ _You’re not the first ex-inmate to say that. I’ve had other patients in the past telling me the same thing.”_

  


“Probably not for the same reason though...”

  


“ _What do you mean?”_

  


“I get that prison fuck up your sleep, you’re always on high alert, but that’s not why I don’t sleep so well...” (short pause, shake of the head) “If anything I should be happy to be back safe in my childhood bed.”

  


“ _What is it then? Is there something bothering you? Questioning you?”_

  


“No, I just... I feel lonely. I don’t have a job anymore, I don’t friends, my siblings are always out doing their thing. I spend my days alone at home, sometimes I go for a run, but that’s it... I’m bored.”

  


“ _Have you tried to find a job?”_

  


“My P.O. is helping me look. Probably gonna end up scrubbing floors or something.”

  


“ _What would you like to do?”_

  


“I don’t know... I liked my old EMT job... But I fucked that up royally.”

  


“ _What did you like about it?”_

  


“Helping people. And I was good at it. It was... stimulating.”

  


“ _Maybe you need to find something else that is stimulating, it doesn’t necessarily have to be your job. You mentioned running?”_

  


“Yeah, I try to keep in shape, help with the meds and, you know, everything going on up there.”

  


“ _Maybe you could join a gym? And even make some friends there?”_

  


“I don’t have the money.”

  


“ _I have a colleague who's leading a support group for ex-inmates. I can give you the address, you could go check it out.”_

  


“I don’t really want to talk to other inmates. I want to leave that part of my life behind.”

  


“ _Most people say that. But it can be helpful to have people who can relate to your struggles finding a good job, or even people who just want to go running with you.”_

  


(shrug) “Maybe.”

  


(short pause)

  


“ _Last week we left something unanswered, you were quite cryptic about the reasons you felt safe in prison and your relationship with your cellmate.”_

  


“Yes.”

  


“ _Do you want to talk about it?”_

  


“I don’t have much to say.”

  


“ _Why did you feel safe with that person?”_

  


“Because I knew he wouldn’t shiv me in my sleep. Well... we never know, but I never pissed him off enough to fear the shiv.”

  


“ _Is he out too? Maybe you could reach out to him. Hang out, have a coffee, get out of the house.”_

  


“Yeah, that’s really not... I’ll go to that group.”

  


“ _Are you sure?”_

  


“Yeah.”

  


“ _Ian, you are here to talk to me, you can tell me anything. I have a degree telling everybody I’m good at listening and giving advice and I am sworn to secrecy.”_

  


“I know. It’s just... I don’t really have anything to share.”

  


“ _Okay.”_

  


“Okay.”

  


“ _I feel like we are done for today. Unless...”_

  


“No, I agree, we're probably done.”

  


“ _Try to get some sleep, okay?”_

  


(smile) “Yeah, thanks.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the questions on everyone's mind: What's going on with Mickey? Where is he? Why is Ian avoiding the subject and why does he keep saying he's alone? Do not fret, the answers will come in time.


	15. Mickey 2.0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize to the people I promise I would update on Friday, I ended up working full day instead of the half day I was supposed to, so I had no time to write. But here it is.

 

“ _Hello Ian.”_

  


“Hi.”

  


“ _We have to talk.”_

  


“Okay?”

  


“ _Your P.O. contacted me, just wanted to check in, making sure you were indeed coming here, and because I was worried about you from what you said – or rather didn't say – last week I asked a few questions in return. Including the name of your cellmate.”_

  


“Oh.”

  


“ _Why didn't you tell me? Hiding this type of trigger from me will not help our discussion. I need to know these things.”_

  


“Mickey is not a trigger.”

  


“ _Then why haven't you talked about him yet? We've been tip-toeing around this whole cellmate story and you haven't mentioned his name once. You told me over two years ago that you and him were done for good and that you will never see him again, but that you still loved him. And now he was your cellmate in prison and you didn't even talk about it? I remember how hard it was for you to talk about Mickey and I do not wish to push you, but I feel there might be a lot to uncover here.”_

  


(deep sigh) “I haven't been talking about him because we're good. You're always over-analyzing my relationships but this time I'm okay and we're really good.”

  


“ _Is he also out? You said you were lonely, so I'm guessing he's not.”_

  


“He has eighteen more months to do. I go to visit him every week.”

  


_(smile) “So you do go out for more than running?”_

  


(chuckle) “Yeah.”

  


“ _Ian, you have a boyfriend you haven't talked about and who happens to be your ex with whom you have a lot of history and a lot of trauma. This is important.”_

  


“Mickey didn't give me any trauma.”

  


“ _No. But some of the things you lived with him did.”_

  


(silence)

  


“ _Is he going to come live with you when he gets released?”_

  


“I want to.”

  


“ _But?”_

  


“I haven't told my family.”

  


“ _Why?”_

  


“Because they will give me shit and think it's stupid. They'll call me manic and tell me he's bad for me.”

  


“ _Do you think he's bad for you?”_

  


“No!”

  


“ _Then why do you think your family feel that way?”_

  


“Because last time we were a proper couple I was undiagnosed and unmedicated. I was actually manic for most of the time. And I guess they just think about that when they think about us. But they don't know half the story...”

  


“ _Why don't you tell them that?”_

  


“They wouldn't understand. They wouldn't listen.”

  


“ _What about you? Do you also think it's stupid to be back with Mickey?”_

  


“No.”

  


_(silent glare)_

  


“I just... I don't want to fuck it up again. Not after everything he's done.”

  


“ _What did he do?”_

  


“He went to prison for me.”

  


“ _Can someone do that?”_

  


“He was working with a cartel in Mexico and he ratted them out in exchange for a shorter sentence and being able to choose where he got locked up.”

  


“ _Maybe he didn't really 'go to prison for you' but rather he got tired of running, maybe he wanted to get his life straight and do the right thing and the fact that he got to be with you while doing that only made the choice easier to make.”_

  


“Maybe.”

  


“ _Are you struggling with that? With the fact that he might have done it for you?”_

  


“Yeah.”

  


“ _I don’t know Mickey, I’ve never met him, I’m not in his head, but I’m going to tell you something that can be apply to all relationships: you don’t owe him anything. You don’t owe people anything. If they decide to do something ‘for you’ on their own accord, it’s their decision. Not yours. You do not have to return the favor. They live with their decisions, you live with yours. And if you decide that right now you don't want Mickey in your life, you have nothing to feel guilty about.”_

  


“Oh no. I want him. I want him in my life. But I... I don't want to ruin his life more.”

  


“ _Have you told him that?”_

  


“Yeah. He keeps telling me I didn't ruin anything.”

  


“ _Then maybe you should listen to him.”_

  


(chuckle) “Oh thanks for the advice.”

  


“ _I'm serious Ian, talk to him, listen to him, have a proper conversation, and don't let your fears ruin your life. That's what I'm here for, helping you move past them. And if you really want a future with Mickey, you will let him in. I know it's difficult, but the more you hide from him the hardest it will be to recover. And this advice can also be apply to your family. Talk to them, they might surprise you.”_

  


“I really hate when you do that.”

  


“ _When I do what?”_

  


“Tell me something obvious, yet kinda eye-opening...”

  


_(laugh) “It's in the job description.”_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and/or comments. And you can also come talk and share with me on my [tumblr](http://ilostmylifeonline.tumblr.com/), it's always appreciated. :)


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